That's What's Killing Me
by ArtemisPrime
Summary: Rodney McKay tells everyone, whether or not they wanted to hear, that he is hypoglycaemic. So why is he in the infirmary being forced to eat? Possible spoilers for all seasons.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: all things Stargate: Atlantis are the property of MGM (re: not me). I'm not making any money off this, just playing with the toys.

A/N: As this is my first SGA fic, I'm nervous as all get out. I've only seen a few season 4 episodes, but after seeing the preview for Quarantine, I knew I had to start posting what I had. In other words, it is season 4, but with my own tangent to the universe. I hope it works. Also, it has not been beta read and if anyone is up for the job, I will gladly take you up on it.

00000

"Yes, Rodney, I'll marry you. Now please stop pacing."

"What? Really?" He stopped at looked at his new fiancé. He felt a goofy grin spread across his face, growing wider as he saw her beautiful smile. "Ooh." He fumbled with his fingers nervously. "I don't have a ring."

Katie stood and placed her hands over Rodney's floundering ones. "It's okay." She looked into those blue eyes. "We're both a little pre-occupied by something else." She looked to her right towards the infirmary and the screaming woman giving birth.

Rodney followed her gaze, his face paling as Teyla's screams echoed into the hall. It took a lot for the Athosian to cry out. He knew. She'd been shot and stabbed with shrapnel and never once complained. "She...uh...okay?"

Ronan turned from his position just outside the doorway. "It's going to be a while."

"And you would know this from all those years of practising obstetrics in between running for your life from the Wraith?"

The Satedan glared.

"Rodney, play nice," John's voice drawled as he entered the waiting area. He peeked inside the delivery room. "How's she doing?"

"According to-"

Another piercing scream filled the air, shaking Rodney and John. Ronan merely sighed and entered the room. Didn't seem right for the woman to have no one with her. They still hadn't made much progress in finding her people, much to Teyla's anguish. So there were no midwives, no comforting smells and sights of delivering her child in traditional surroundings by traditional methods. Teyla was his friend and Ronan was going to do whatever he could to help her.

A day later he would question the wisdom of that decision as his hand was still immobile from where the woman had broken two bones in gripping it so tightly.

00000

As the former runner predicted, it was indeed a while before Teyla's baby made its entrance into the Pegasus galaxy. A shrilling, screaming entrance.

The nurse cleaned the child and handed her to Teyla. "A daughter."

Despite her exhaustion, the Athosian beamed before touching her forehead to her daughter's. "Welcome, Teyanne."

"That's pretty," John said softly.

Teyla tore her gaze from the newborn. "It was my grandmother's name." She noticed the group of likewise beaming faces all attempting to get a look at Atlantis' newest resident. Teyla felt a little self-conscious given her recent ordeal and was thankfully saved from the well wishers by Doctor Kellar.

"Okay, everyone. Mom and baby need some alone time. Ronan, let me check on that hand for you."

John gave one last smile as he left. "A baby!" he announced as they left the room. He felt like a proud father.

Rodney stood, having opted to not see the child. "Mm, yes. Well it does happen from time to time."

"Rodney!" Katie admonished lightly. "You should go see her. She's quite beautiful."

"I'm sure she isn't. Babies don't come out cleanly, you know. There's blood and-"

"We get it, McKay," John interrupted. "Just go in and let Teyla know you were there."

Carter came round the corner. "What's the news?"

"A baby," John grinned.

"A girl," Katie added.

Sam smiled herself and looked into the infirmary. "Is it okay to see them?"

"Sure," John answered. "McKay was just going in himself." He smirked.

Rodney mentally calculated the level of tweaking he would have to do to change the water temperature controls in Sheppard's room from 'pleasant' to 'polar ice cap'. "Fine." He pointed for Sam to lead the way. He didn't know what to expect other than seeing a wriggling, squirmy thing likely ready to yell its head off. What he found stopped him in his tracks.

A nurse had given Teyla some water and was helping to clean her up. In her arms lay Teyanne, quiet and sleeping.

"She looks just like you," Sam commented softly. "Congratulations."

"Thank-you, Colonel." Teyla looked at her daughter. She would never tire of it. "And thank-you for coming. To take time from your duties."

Sam smiled and squeezed her shoulder. "I'll let you two get some well deserved rest."

"And thank-you, too, Rodney." Teyla waited, pleasantly pleased that the scientist seemed enamoured of Teyanne. His lack of enjoyment of babies and children was known to all.

"Huh? What?" He continued to stare at the baby, body slightly bent at the waist. God, she was so small. Helpless.

"For being here. I know it was not easy for you."

He straightened. "Yes, well, family and all that." He flexed his hand a number of times. "I should..." He pointed towards the door. "Let you..."

The Athosian smiled gently. "Of course."

Something in her voice made him stop. He looked down to see tears falling down her cheeks. "Are you, you know, okay?"

Teyla smiled gently and nodded.

"So those are tears of joy," Rodney ventured.

"Yes." She wiped a cheek. "But also..." Watery eyes gazed up at Rodney. "I miss my people."

Rodney needed to escape that room before his legs buckled and his stomach cracked.

00000

Teyla lifted a brow at the tray before her. "Is something wrong, Rodney?" She gestured to the yellow tray and the noticeable lack of overflowing food.

"Hmm? What?"

The Athosian smiled. "You are not hungry."

Rodney stared down at his plate, seeing only a lone tuna sandwich and cup of water. Hardly enough sugar there to keep himself in check. "Oh."

"Perhaps you would like some of mine." She moved to transfer her jello to his side.

"No. No. You need it for...well for..." He pointed to the three-week old asleep in the sling across Teyla's chest.

"I am quite certain that Teyanne will understand if she does not get her jello today." Her smile widened. "Please." She shifted the small container over.

"Ah, well. Thank-you." He looked at the green gelatin, still wriggling. Was that a piece of orange? He eyed it suspiciously.

"Dr. McKay?" his earpiece buzzed. "It is Radek."

McKay tapped the radio. "Go ahead."

Teyla looked to her child, giving Rodney a sense of privacy. She looked up when the doctor stood, muttering something about work. Her smile faded when she saw that his meal was still on the table, untouched.

00000

"Hey," John called as he entered the lab, examining the little bits of stuff strewn around. He paused to pick up an egg shaped silver thing.

"Don't touch that," McKay warned causally, not lifting his eyes from his monitor. "We think it's a bomb."

Sheppard quickly and cautiously replaced the item. He leaned over McKay's work station table. Rodney rolled his chair to the station behind him, checked some readings then returned to his computer.

"What?"

The Colonel only shrugged before pulling out a chocolate bar from his breast pocket. He watched as McKay did nothing. He sighed. Teyla was right. Something was definitely off with the Canadian.

John took a good look at the man and was surprised he didn't see it before. Sunken eyes, sallower skin and had he lost weight?

"You going to tell me what's wrong?"

Rodney frowned at the screen. "No. No." He typed something in.

Sheppard's brows lifted and he shifted his weight to his left elbow and forearm. "Guess I'll have to eat this Mars bar myself." He ripped the wrapper.

McKay huffed. "This is all wrong." He hunched further over the computer, rubbing his eyes.

Frowning, Sheppard took a bite, its sweetness something he had forgotten. It had been a long time since he'd had one of these. "Mm, this is really good." He worked his jaw to peel the caramel off his teeth. "Full of sugar." He thrust it out. "Want some?"

"Oh for the love of...Can't these morons figure anything out without me standing over their shoulders telling them they're wrong?" He continued to puff as he typed busily at the keyboard.

"That's it." John snapped off the monitors and yanked away the keyboard.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing?" McKay's voice rose nearly an octave. "I was working on that."

"Now that I've got your attention."

McKay stopped, saw the determination on his team leader's face and crossed his arms. He hand gestured for Sheppard to continue.

"Good." He returned the keyboard. Okay, now what? "Teyla says you're not eating."

Rodney's face contorted. "What? That's crazy. I'm hypoglycaemic. I'd go into shock if I didn't eat every three-"

"To four hours." Sheppard interrupted. "I know."

"And what is Teyla saying things to you anyway? I mean, this goes precariously close to invasion of privacy-"

"You're a member of my team and she was worried about you." He paused. "We all are."

"There's nothing to worry about." He turned his back to Sheppard and switched on the monitor. "I'm fine." He rubbed the side of his face, feeling the stubble.

"Oh really." John waved the chocolate bar in front of Rodney.

"That proves nothing. Other than ew. Come on, a half-eaten chocolate bar? Do you have any idea how unhygienic that is?"

"Rodney, don't make me order you to eat."

The scientist glared. "Shall we do another verse of the chain of command song? Because, personally, it's getting a little tiresome." He reached for his coffee, both men noting the shaking hand.

"You need to eat."

"I need to work. Now just go away."

McKay brought the cup to his lips, but a tremor spilt it down his front. He jumped from his chair and looked to his wet shirt then to Sheppard. He wobbled a little then promptly fell back, unconscious.

"Rodney!" John tapped his earpiece. "Medical emergency, science lab one." He looked around anxiously, grabbing Rodney's jacket and balling it up. He carefully placed it under Rodney's head. "What is going on with you?" he whispered, lines deepening across his forehead.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: my beta informed me of my grievous crime of mis-spelling the characters' names. Shame on me! Hopefully, they are fixed now.

Disclaimer: all things Stargate are the property of MGM et al. I'm not making any money off this, just playing with the toys.

* * *

Chapter Two

The first thing he remembered seeing was Doctor Cushan's face peering into his own. He turned his head to try to get rid of the light that the doctor was trying to blind him with, but had no luck.

The second thing he remembered seeing was Sheppard, standing there with hands at his waist and an expression that mixed concern and frustration into something not quite agreeable across his features.

"How do you feel, Doctor McKay?"

He turned his head towards the voice. "Hmm? Oh, fine. Fine." He flipped the sheets off him. Why was the floor spinning? He shut his eyes then opened them. Still spinning.

"Rodney, you just fainted," Sheppard stepped in.

"Passed out." Oh how quickly we forget. "The term is passed out, Colonel." He swayed a little.

"Oh no," Cushan warned, "you are not leaving this bed." She pushed him back down, replacing the sheets despite McKay's futile efforts against her. "You have a mild concussion from the bump you took to the head when you fainted."

"Passed out," Rodney corrected, still shoving the blanket down.

"And you are staying here overnight."

"Oh no I'm not. I'm right in the middle of a very important simulation that if I don't monitor carefully-"

"Stay," Sheppard pointed to the bed.

"You can't order me around like some sort of dog." McKay continued to climb out of bed.

"I can and I am." He stepped in Rodney's path. "Except this time, they're the Doctor's orders."

"Just until I'm sure that your levels are up," Cushan added.

"Colonel, I'm serious. That simulation needs to-"

"To be done by Radek," John finished. "You are staying here."

"Radek!" Rodney looked indignant. "He'll take all the credit for its success. And it will succeed, of course. They are my calculations." He attempted to step forward, but his legs gave out. Cushan and Sheppard grabbed Rodney quickly and heaved him back onto the bed. They exchanged long-suffering sighs to each other. "You sure you want him?"

"Oh ha-ha, Colonel. I nearly forgotten that quick wit and biting tongue."

"Would you prefer being put into restraints or posting Ronon here to make sure you stay?"

McKay glowered. "Fine." He sank back into the pillow.

Sheppard now looked to the medical doctor, who shrugged. "Hypoglycaemia." She produced an apple and energy bar and handed them to Rodney, who dropped them on the table next to the bed. "You were lucky that it happened with others nearby." She eyed the Colonel.

McKay opened his mouth to argue, but shut it, opting to huff loudly. This further disturbed John. Rodney was the worst hypochondriac the Colonel had ever known. It was downright unnerving to see him want to leave the infirmary before a clean bill of health was issued in triplicate.

"Go," Rodney waved his hand, "and do something somewhere else."

"I'm keeping you from escaping."

Rodney rolled his eyes and shifted under the blanket, turning his face away.

"McKay," Sheppard drawled. "McKay."

"What?" he snapped.

"You still haven't eaten." He jabbed the apple at the man.

With an exaggerated thrust of his arm, Rodney grabbed the fruit and took a large bite. "There. Happy?" he asked with a mouthful of the fruit.

"As a clam." He put his hands in his pants pocket and waited for Rodney to finish it completely. "Now that wasn't so hard, was it? Easy as pie."

"If you're finished gawking at the sick man, you can go away now." McKay rolled away, muttering.

Sheppard took the cue and headed to the little desk Cushan sat at. "Any ideas why McKay didn't eat? He got a bug or something?"

Cushan shook her head. "Not from what the scans showed. He's as healthy as he ever is." She pulled up his file onto the monitor. "There's just the usual stresses of life in Atlantis." She sat back. "I don't know why he hasn't been eating, Colonel. From what I've read in his file, he seems to require full medical procedures for a splinter. Granted, he has undergone some fairly traumatic physical challenges in his time here, but I don't see how those could explain his recent change in dietary habits."

The Colonel looked to McKay. Something wasn't right. "Let me know if you find anything."

"Of course."

00000

"_You killed her!" Teyla screamed, dropping to her knees and cradling her baby's body._

_Rodney twisted his hands. "I couldn't stop it. There wasn't a back-up and the systems were antiquated, even by our standards. And there just wasn't enough time to manually interface with the..." He gulped. "I just..."_

"_Couldn't save us."_

_Rodney whirled to see Sheppard behind him, his face peeling off from radiation exposure. McKay screamed._

"Rodney?"

Eyes snapped open and he whipped his head towards the voice, causing a shock to jolt in his neck. McKay winced before gingerly touching the shrinking bump on his head.

Katie walked towards the bed, concerned. "You have a bad dream?" She sat next to him and lightly stroked his forehead.

Dream? McKay thought furiously for a moment. Where in hell was he? Fuck. Was this the doppelganger come back to finally finish the job? Ooh, but Katie's touch felt so good and the bed was so warm. He heard a tapping and looked to see rain hitting the window. But it was in the wrong place. His window was in front of the bed, not to the left of it.

"Let me get you some water." Katie rose, but was stopped by the vice-like grip of Rodney's hand around her wrist. "Rodney?"

"You're real, right?" his dry throat croaked.

Her eyes narrowed briefly, confused. "Of course I am." She felt his grip relax.

He dropped his arm and shut his eyes. Just a dream. As in not real. He breathed deeply and finally realised that he was in Katie's quarters, her smell light and comforting.

Yes, he had come over for dinner last night. The meal had been good, but now he found his stomach twisting painfully. He drew his knees up before throwing back the sheets and racing to the bathroom, entirely unconcerned with being naked.

Finishing, he sat back and leaned against the glass door of the shower, feeling sweat trickle down his temple. Katie was there with a cold cloth and soft words, but he couldn't really hear her. Cool water touched his lips and he drank.

Finally, once his body began to shiver, he allowed himself to be brought back to bed.

"Let me call Doctor Keller," Katie said.

Rodney shook his head. "No." He swallowed, already feeling better. "Just something I ate."

Katie nodded, but continued to worry. This was not Rodney-like behaviour at all.

00000

For four weeks, the team had been put on light roster duty, something Ronon found frustrating. He needed something to do that he could actually do. As much as McKay might find it hilarious to have him vainly attempt to work out some time-spatial thing-a-mijig, it left Ronon decidedly bored.

So when a mission to M3X-495 came up, simple and routine, the Satedan jumped at the chance.

Teyla apologised profusely for not being able to come along, but John quickly told her that she had a more important mission right now. The woman smiled in her way. "Be safe."

John paused before stepping through the gate, fearful of turning and seeing Elizabeth instead of Teyla. Swallowing, he pushed on through.

He emerged on the other side in a torrential downpour.

"This is nice," he commented before sprinting across the field to the comparative shelter of the thickly forested grove of trees.

"Sheppard!" Ronon called and trotted over. He flipped his collar up and finished buttoning the last one on his coat. "Your machine didn't say anything about cold and rain."

"I'll have McKay or Zelenka take a look at the MALP." And if this came up suddenly, like in the three minutes since transmissions were sent back to Atlantis, then things could get interesting in a hurry. "Speaking of which, where is the good astrophysicist doctor." Sheppard now had his gun covered in plastic and was tugging on a similar wrap for himself.

Ronon nodded ahead. "He's gone to the energy reading."

Seemed a little odd for Rodney to head out alone on an unfamiliar planet. Or a familiar one.

The pair strode out and Sheppard noted that this planet had hardwood trees; a definite treat given all the pine and cedar they usually came across.

Not long after, they found the abandoned village with all the signs of a Wraith culling. Both men were wary, but little seemed to remain intact. The MALP sat in the middle of the packed dirt road with no sign of McKay.

"Rain's making this difficult," Ronon observed, raising his voice to be heard above the heavy rain.

"Yeah." The Colonel pulled out his life signs sensor. "I'm only getting three life signs." He pointed towards what looked like it might have been a stone structure, now nothing more than rubble. "McKay?"

"Over here," came the wet reply.

Ronon and John ambled their way over, a task made difficult by the slick ground. As he stepped over some fallen debris, John's foot slipped and he came down hard on his butt.

"Oh and watch your step. It's a little slippery."

"Now he tells us," John muttered as he took Ronon's proffered hand. "Whaddya got?" He stopped mid-stride to see Rodney doing physical labour. Really, it was an odd sight as the scientist tossed and lugged various rocks and wood aside. Ronon looked at Sheppard with a questioning gaze. John merely shrugged.

"There's something underneath. Some kind of bunker and that's where the energy reading's coming from." McKay looked up, rain soaking his uniform. He seemed to be shivering a little. "If I can get the entrance cleared, then we can go in."

"Whoa. Whoa." John stepped next to Rodney and noted how pale the man's face was. "Go in? You remember the last time we went uninvited into your standard subterranean bunker?"

"There's no one here, Colonel." McKay resumed his debris clearing. "Now, are you going to help me or am I going to suffer permanent back damage all by myself?"

John shifted aside his weapon and the three men cleared the entrance. Rodney moved to unlock the simple mechanism when John stopped him. "Why don't you let me take a look first?"

"Oh, uh. Well, I seriously doubt that there's anything alive in there. Life signs were non-existent and it's been years since this place was occupied."

"Still." Sheppard didn't like the condition Rodney was in. He seemed to be getting paler and shivering more. Maybe they should abort the mission or at the very least, send Rodney back to Atlantis.

Ronon knelt down. "What's the problem?"

"No problem," McKay answered. "We were just going to open the lid right now." He fiddled a little with lock and a moment later, a faint hiss was heard over the rain.

John frowned. McKay was in no condition for this. More importantly, he hated how the scientist got his way despite the Colonel's protests. But the thing was open now and he had a job to do, regardless of how difficult Rodney was making it.

Sheppard brought his P90 up and clicked the light on. The entrance was a fifteen foot shaft with what appeared to be a dirt floor. He couldn't see further than that, though the smell was enough to make him back away. "Doesn't seem like anyone's home." A quick check of the scanner confirmed it.

Sheppard pulled out his rope, ready to jump down first.

"Ah, maybe I should go," Rodney suggested. " You know, scout things out. See what's what." He blinked some rain from his eyes.

"Are you feeling alright?" Sheppard asked. "Because you normally don't volunteer for these kinds of things." He continued to pull out his rope, handing Ronon the end.

"I'm serious."

"I am, too." He nodded to the Satedan that he had the rope, grinned the classic Sheppard grin, and disappeared into the ground.

Rodney peered over the edge, his hands gripping the sides tightly. "Sheppard?" Beat. "John?" His voice wavered.

Lightning flitted across the sky followed quickly by thunder. Rodney jumped.

"It's just thunder," Ronon said, his eyes narrowed at the scientist.

"I know. I know." He blinked furiously then resumed his watching of the now dark bunker. "Sheppard! God damn it, answer me."

Ronon tapped his earpiece. "Sheppard. You got anything?"

A static reply came back, crackling with the lightning. "It's pretty small, but there's something glowing. I think I might have activated it." Pause. "Yep."

"Sheppard! Do not touch anything! You hear me?" Rodney screamed into the bunker. Another flash.

_But you do it all the time._

_Yes, well that's because I'm me and you're you._

"Lower me down," McKay instructed Ronon.

"What?"

"You heard me." Rodney sneezed as he gripped the dangling rope. He looked wide-eyed at the large man. "Just don't drop me, okay?"

Ronon lifted a brow and remained silent. A minute later, McKay was out of the rain and wishing for all he was worth that he'd brought his gun. Or at least a light.

"Heads up."

A snap and bright flash later, a flare was ignited and dropped. "Thank-you," Rodney called up sardonically. He shook his head trying to clear the white flash burned onto his retinas. "Sheppard?"

"Over here."

Feeling the coolness of the bunker, Rodney wrapped his arms around himself. What had died in here? Okay, wrong choice of words if it ended up being him and Sheppard. Still, the smell was familiar, like when a pond grew stagnant.

He was able to make out the glowing that Sheppard had mentioned and could see the Colonel standing off from the brightening console. "You didn't touch anything, did you?"

Worry was plain on the Canadian's face, but John noted that it wasn't the usual 'you didn't fuck up the equipment, did you?' kind of worry. This was a human worry.

"No. It just came on. Seems to be Ancient."

"Yes, well..." Sniff. "You have a habit of touching stuff without knowing what it does." He rubbed his eyes, finally able to see clearly.

"I learned my lesson." He gestured around. "Any ideas?"

Rodney frowned as he leaned over the console, tentatively deciding which crystal to push. Choosing one, a view screen came on, weak and sketchy. "Huh."

"What?" Are we going to have to run for our lives and hope that Ronon can haul two up at a time?

"Oh. Nothing. I just didn't expect there to be enough power here given the level of humidity." He quickly looked to the walls, noting the bluish-red growth creeping in. "That's going to play havoc with my allergies." He resumed his examination of the console and view screen.

"So nothing's going to blow up?"

Rodney whirled. "Don't even joke about that! Didn't I tell you that I should be the one to check it out first?"

"Yeah and if you had, then this console would still be dark." He tapped his chest. "Turn things on gene, remember?"

McKay huffed, but said nothing more on it. He stared at the screen a few minutes, keeping his arms around himself as much as possible.

"Where's your gear?"

Sniff. "Up top." He tested a few other controls and found a recording. Suddenly, a jacket was thrown around his shoulders. "What the...?"

"Your shivering is driving me crazy," John replied. "I'm going to get your gear." He called Ronon on the radio to drop down McKay's pack.

"I hope you were careful with that. My tablet's in there." He yanked the pack from John.

"You're welcome, by the way." Sheppard chose to not mention that McKay never went anywhere without the damn thing. That wasn't the least bit abnormal about the scientist.

As Rodney worked, the shivering having slowed some, John examined the open space. It certainly was not large, at least not by Ancient standards. From what he could see once McKay had powered the lights, it appeared Spartan, overly utilitarian. The moss stuff wasn't comforting, though. It gave him the creeps.

"Okay, we're done." Rodney packed his tablet and handed Sheppard back his jacket. He rooted around for a dry shirt and slipped it on, little good it would do with the rain still going strong.

"We're done?"

"What part of 'we're done' is problematic for you?" He walked towards the entrance.

John smiled. The old McKay seemed to be returning. "So what's the verdict?"

"Nothing."

Even in the low light of the dying flare, Rodney could see the look of incomprehension across the Colonel's features. "This was an observational outpost for the Ancients. It seems that they liked to indulge in a little anthropological study in amongst their other hobbies. This whole thing was set up to observe the village without interference."

"Not real cozy to spend a lot of time in," John noted.

"Yes, well, when you're an Ancient..." He radioed Ronon then continued. "Colonel Carter can send a research team back later if she wants, but there's nothing really worth retrieving from the database." The rope fell and Rodney handed it to Sheppard.

As John reached the top, after a lengthy argument on the why it should not be him going up first, but rather last as a look-out and really, he was the team leader so he could make the call, a crack of lightning hit the village, knocking Ronon off balance. He managed to keep a hold of the rope, but it slid down some feet.

"Jesus!" McKay yelled and dove forward into the opening to reach for the rope. He nearly fell in until Ronon's hand gripped the back of his shirt and swiftly hauled him back. This caused Sheppard to fall further down. Re-gripping the rope with two hands, Ronon managed to bring the Colonel to the surface.

"McKay, what the hell was that?" Sheppard stared hard at the scientist. The rain was coming down harder, if that had been possible.

Rodney was still sitting in the mud from being thrown back and sliding on the slick rocks. "I thought you were going to fall."

"It wouldn't have been that far. I would have survived it just fine."

Right. Of course.

"Let's go," Ronon interjected. "The rain's getting worse and I'm cold."

Rodney picked himself up and followed after the Satedan with John close behind. The rest of the trip home was quiet, with McKay up front, sneezing and shaking.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

"What do you mean he's locked himself in his room? Override the system and open the door."

"It's not that simple, Colonel," Radek began. "Rodney has put in many failsafes to keep his space private. Written complex encryption into his locking mechanism." He pushed up his glasses onto his forehead and rubbed his eyes. "We have been trying all afternoon, but still nothing."

John grimaced then backed away from the scientist at the console. "Well, do what you can."

"Maybe you should go talk to him," Sam suggested.

John nodded then walked to the transporter and keyed the co-ordinates for the sleeping quarters. Emerging from the closet-sized transporter, he veered left until he reached McKay's room. Swiping the control, knowing it would not open, he thought that he would at least give it a try.

He paused, hearing Teyla's voice in his head. Something is wrong with Doctor McKay. You are his friend. Listen to what he is saying.

"Rodney," he called through the door. "Open the damn door." Okay, maybe not quite the approach the Athosian would have taken, but...eh. He waited. "This isn't funny anymore. We've got teams working on overriding the lock, wasting time that could be used in..." What? _Think, John_. "Doing...research...stuff." _Oh, good one, John. Brilliant_.

"Rodney?" Beat. "Okay, this really isn't funny. And I mean it." He felt his pressure rising. "Look, Zelenka's going to figure this out, so you may as well just open the door." He counted to five, slowly. "If this about yesterday on M3X-495, I'm not mad at you."

Sheppard scanned the near-empty corridor and moved in closer to the door. "Listen, McKay, I'm not real good with..." He fought to find the right words and failed. "Don't make me get all touchy-feely in the hallway, dammit."

When nothing further happened, he clenched and unclenched his fists. "Rodney!"

A soft click and the door was unlocked. John tapped the radio. "Thanks, Radek."

"That was not me."

"Well, it's open now. Thanks for trying."

John stepped into a dark room and it brought back bad memories; pointy neck and blue-handed memories.

He realised that he'd never been in here before. The desk was littered with papers and broken bits of tech. He chuckled to himself at the wall above and the many pictures of Rodney with various officials and all of his degrees. A glint caught his eye and he picked up the cheap-framed picture of Rodney and Carson out on a mission. He swallowed his emotion.

"Rodney?" He set the picture down. "Talk to me. Let me know you're okay 'cause this sitting in the dark thing is not a good look for you. Trust me." He walked past the unmade bed, still unable to spot Rodney.

Something prickled in the back of his neck and he was suddenly remembering desert combat training. There had been a fresh cadet, hardly old enough to sign his own name and scared shitless most of the time. What was his name? Jeff? Craig? Didn't matter. Only mattered that he'd finally snapped when they shipped him to Afghanistan and he saw his first wreck from a bomb. Took a pistol to his mouth that night.

John picked up his pace. "McKay?"

He pushed open the bathroom door and let out an immense sigh of relief. "Geez, McKay, you didn't have to lock us out. You could have just put up a 'Do not disturb' sign if you wanted to be alone." He meant for it to be light, joking.

Rodney didn't move. He sat on the edge of the shower, his elbows bent on his knees and his hands clasped to either side of his head. He looked to be wearing the same clothes as yesterday, caked with mud. He never moved at either Sheppard's entrance or words.

John had no idea what to say to this. He could practically hear his watch ticking. No, that wasn't ticking, that was laboured breathing. He knelt to get a closer look at McKay.

"I nearly killed you." Rodney blurted it so quickly and unexpectedly that Sheppard leaned back, almost losing his footing.

McKay scrunched his fingers into his hair. "Why do I keep doing that?" Red, tired eyes looked over, demanding an answer from his friend.

Oh crap. This was big. Way bigger than John was even remotely capable of handling. "Why don't you come to the infirmary. The doc'll give you something to sleep and you'll feel better in the morning." John groaned internally. He wasn't any better at the bedside manner routine.

Rodney began rocking back and forth, his hands running through and clenching at his hair. "I don't want to sleep."

John smirked. "Of course you do." He reached and grabbed Rodney's arm. "Just come over to the bed."

Rodney violently jerked his arm. "I don't want to sleep. God, Sheppard."

At least this was a little more Rodney-esque. He raised his hands. "Okay, don't sleep. But you won't be put back on the mission roster if you don't get some rest."

"Probably better."

With a sigh, John leaned against the sink. "What's going on, McKay?"

Abruptly, Rodney stood. "Nothing. I'm fine." He stepped around Sheppard. "You can tell Radek that his feeble attempts to gain access by over-riding the coding was juvenile and no better than a fifth-grader's." He scratched the back of his head and stood at the window, watching the moons. Funny. One of them seemed to have a face in it.

"_McKay! Do something! Rodney!"_

He snapped his head around. "I tried!"

"Rodney," John said slowly, his steps careful. "Why don't you lie down for a while?"

"What?" His blue eyes glazed a moment. "Okay."

McKay flopped onto the bed. Barely a minute later, his breathing slowed as sleep took him.

00000

Carter gave a concerned look as Sheppard recounted the events of the day before, at least the abridged version.

"And you think that this has something to do with M3X-495?"

"Don't know how it would be otherwise." He crossed his leg, ankle meeting knee. "I've taken him off mission duty, but he can still do his lab work here."

"Assuming that he can."

Sheppard frowned. "What does that mean?"

Carter pushed aside the tablet on her desk. "In the last five weeks, you, Teyla and Radek have come to me about McKay's change in behaviour." She smiled lightly. "Even the scientists have commented that McKay seems 'nicer'." Her face became solemn once again. "Something else is going on here. It may have been a mission or it may have been an experiment or something else entirely."

The Colonel thought on the expedition leader's words.

"I'm having him talk to Syed."

John grimaced. "Rodney's never been very good at talking to shrinks."

"He needs to get this, whatever it is, off his chest. You and I both know what could happen if he doesn't." She paused. "Syed is good. And when he clears McKay for duty then he'll be on the first mission out. Until then, I can't jeopardise the best scientist and second best team in two galaxies."

"Second?"

Carter pointed behind her desk to the small portrait of SG-1. John understood.

Getting McKay to understand was entirely different.

"You can't make me." He crossed his arms over his chest like a petulant child.

"I can and I am. Jeez, McKay, how many times do we have to have this conversation?"

"Rodney," Teyla said, "it is for the best. So that you may re-join us at top form."

McKay looked to the small woman, her child in a sling now across her back. He quickly looked away to Carter. "This was your doing, wasn't it?"

Carter held his eye, but said nothing.

He lowered his arms in defeat. At least Katie wasn't here to see this. She was off once again collecting more prickly plants.

He shut his eyes at thinking of her. Her wonderful smile that made him want to smile back. How her hair looked on the pillow after they made love. How she liked to tickle him just to see him laugh.

How her charred skin revealed a grotesque and permanent smile.

McKay twitched and cleared his throat. "And how long have you put me into the torture chamber?"

"Until Doctor Syed says you're ready." Carter looked at the team once more before leaving.

Teyla touched Rodney's arm. "We will all be here for you, should you need us."

Rodney only nodded, wishing like hell she would go away. Ronon grunted before leaving.

"Have I mentioned how much I don't like psychiatrists?" he finally said to Sheppard. "There's so little science to it."

John huffed, glad to see bits of McKay surfacing. "You can tell me all about it along the way."

00000

It had been two weeks since Rodney began daily sessions with Syed, the first week of which were in comparative silence. Syed talked mostly and Rodney stared out the window thinking of the twelve different experiments he and his lab team were currently working on. He continued on, analysing the results of the latest round of tests on particle acceleration, hoping to achieve even faster Faster Than Light travel.

Until Syed mentioned Teyla's baby, it had been pretty much a fruitless venture.

"Mm?"

"I asked if you thought if she was a cute baby."

Rodney shook his shoulders a bit. "I don't know. I guess."

"Do you like children?"

No. Horrible little creatures with no manners and they slobbered all over you. Couldn't have a decent conversation with any of them. Then they died.

"Doctor McKay?"

"What?"

"How do you feel about children?"

Rodney brought at hand to cup his forehead. "Listen, I know that you have a job to do, but this would be so much easier if you would just clear me so that Colonel Carter could get me out of here."

"Why are you afraid of talking?"

Oh, that was rich. McKay was nothing if not a chatterbox, especially when life or death was at stake. "Maybe because someone else likes the sound of his own voice a little too much and aren't we finished now?"

Syed shook his head. "What do you think of your team mates?"

"What kind of asinine question is that?" Rodney stood and began to pace.

"Do you feel any affection for them?"

Rodney slowly looked over at the seated doctor.

"Any sense of loyalty or deep concern for their well-being?"

Duh. "Of course I do. I've saved their lives countless times."

"Then you are a valuable member of their team."

"Hello? Did I not just say that?"

"That would make you valuable to Atlantis, as well."

"Is there a point to all of this?" Ooh, that thumbnail is chipped. Likely to catch on something.

"You must feel a heavy sense of responsibility. The weight of the galaxy, as it were."

Rodney examined his thumbnail more closely.

"It must be difficult sometimes to bear."

"Are we done?"

Syed waited until Rodney made eye contact then held the gaze. "Have you been having regular meals?"

Rodney blinked. "What kind of doctor are you that you wouldn't have checked my medical records and know that I have hypoglycaemia. Which means, and I'll use small words so that you will understand, that if I do not have food every three to four hours, I could go into shock and that would be very bad."

"Do you love your girlfriend?"

"Fiancee," Rodney corrected.

"Congratulations." Syed smiled. "When's the big day?"

"What?" McKay frowned deeply. "I don't know. I haven't thought that far ahead." _There may not be a 'far ahead'._

"I see." Syed nodded and waited a moment before continuing. "Does Doctor Brown go on missions with you?"

"Of course not."

"Why not?"

McKay gave the 'are you a complete moron because it couldn't be more obvious' look to the psychiatrist. "Because."

Syed lifted his brows. "Because why?"

"Because we go to dangerous places and she's not weapons trained and there's that whole, you know, Wraith issue to deal with." Rodney sighed, feeling himself itching to leave the session.

"You are worried that she'll get hurt?"

"What kind of person would I be if I didn't? Look, are we done with the twenty questions game?"

The psychiatrist looked intently at Rodney and waited before asking "Are you afraid that she will die?"

McKay went still. After a long moment, he blinked quickly, then gripped the back of the chair he now stood behind.

Syed sat back then grabbed his notepad sitting next to him. He made some notations.

McKay perked up at this. "What? What are you writing?" He edged around the chair.

Syed flipped the pad around to show the scientist.

Rodney read it then looked to the psychiatrist, letting out deep sigh. "Of course I love her. I wouldn't have asked her to marry me if I didn't. Where did you get your degree from?" He huffed. "I refuse to be subjected to any more of this time waster. I have more pressing concerns at the moment." He walked to the door, half expecting an argument or at least call to not leave, but none came. He wondered if he should be worried about this.

McKay snapped his fingers, understanding immediately why his calculations on the particle theory were off.

00000

The news of Waggenheimer's death spread quickly. Granted, it had been unavoidable, but it was still a surprise nonetheless. Another mission that went badly.

"What do I think of that?" McKay repeated Syed's question. "How do you think? It's a stupid waste of a life."

"Because he was so young?"

McKay rubbed his temples. "Obviously. He had a lot to live for." He felt his hands shaking. When did he last eat? What did he last eat?

"What do you have to live for, Doctor McKay?"

Rodney ignored the question. "They should have done deeper research on X4L-P72 before sending in new personnel. Personnel who were on their first off-world mission."

"Would more information have helped?"

"Yes," Rodney answered indignantly. "Then they could have avoided landing near a highly volatile tectonic fault line."

"If you had been there, do you think that you could have saved Waggenheimer?"

"Definitely."

"So his death is your fault?"

"_Go check it out."_

The Doctor was not expecting the explosion that erupted from McKay. "Don't you see? No, of course not. How could you? How could anyone? I mean, it's so simple and yet so very complex. Like trying to merge quantum string theory with chaos theory. Not that you would know anything about that. Really, though, you should." He was now pacing frantically in the small space. "Everyone should then people would stop expecting me to come up with miracles all the time. They'd see just how difficult it is and realise that when I say that we are so totally screwed that we really are so totally screwed. But you don't know half of what I say or talk about, do you? Can't seem to fully comprehend just what it is I have to do on a near daily basis to make living here even remotely possible!" He was nearly livid, his body shaking with rage.

Syed let silence fill the room, giving Rodney time to control himself.

"It's not enough, is it?" the psychiatrist finally said in a quiet and neutral voice.

McKay blinked, suddenly feeling tired and a colossal headache coming on. "What?' He slid back into his chair.

"What you do here, for Atlantis. It's obviously not enough."

"Well, apparently it is, otherwise we wouldn't be here. You did say that you have a PhD, didn't you? Did that come out of a cracker jack box? Wait, no Kinder surprise. Always did like those, but the puzzles were far too simple. Could solve them by the time I was two." He chewed on his thumbnail.

"But you can't solve everything."

He examined his thumb.

"Can't solve how to keep people from dying."

"_Get the hell out of here. I'm sorry."_

Rodney stared out the window at the cloudy sky and grey waves of their new planet. "I like the old one better." He walked over and stood at the glass. "More blue. That's my favourite colour. I remember once receiving a bike for my birthday. Or was it for passing university calculus in grade seven." He shrugged. "Doesn't matter, I suppose. It was blue."

"The bike?"

"Of course the bike," McKay bit back. Calculus can't be a colour." He looked back to the outdoor scenery. His voice was soft, wistful. "I like the old one better."

00000

Hopeful eyes gazed at the doctor. "There's not really anything I can say." No change. "What is said during session is private and off-limits. I'm sorry."

"But he is getting better, right?"

Doctor Syed looked to Colonel Sheppard. "Doctor McKay is experiencing a form of post-traumatic stress. It will take more than a handful of psychotherapy sessions to help him deal with this."

"I believe that Colonel Sheppard wishes to know if Doctor McKay's prognosis is hopeful," Teyla clarified. "Something which we all desire."

"It's really up to him." He looked to the small crowd of Ronon, Teyla, Carter and Sheppard. "I wish I could tell you what you want to hear. The mind just isn't that simple to deal with."

"Thank-you, Doctor," Sam said. Syed took that as a dismissal and left the conference room.

Ronon was the first to leave in characteristic silence. He didn't get McKay half the time and understood his words even less. But he wanted to do something to help. They were friends, of a sort, and McKay had put his life on the line a bunch of times to save this city. He supposed that he could understand the weight of that responsibility, just maybe not the method of coping.

"I've been doing some research on PTSD," Carter began, "and it's really a question of time. Rodney needs to sort out whatever is going on in his head. So I'm going to give it to him. I pulled him from active duty." She hastily added, "temporarily, until he's back to his old self." Even Sam knew how lame her words sounded.

Teyla nodded in her way, her left arm hugging Teyanne a little closer. "Is there anything that we should do?"

"Give him space and time."

"Of course. If you will excuse me." The Athosian looked down, letting the others know that her daughter needed her. She touched John's arm quickly before leaving.

The silence between Sam and John was awkward and long.

"John," Sam began.

"I should check on some things," the Colonel interrupted. Sam nodded and he left quickly. He found himself wandering, not thinking about where he went. Before long, he was in the cafeteria, sitting at a window watching the night sky, still marvelling at how exotic it looked.

"I thought you might end up here."

The Colonel glanced up to see Ronon settle across from him with a cup of tea and three large scones. He passed one to Sheppard. "Never used to like these things." He tore into one. "We had something like them back on Sateda. After the Wraith, there wasn't much left. We found a bunker that survived and there were boxes of the things. About the only thing left to eat." He took another bite, finishing it off. "Guess I sorta got used to them."

John looked over from his examination of the baked good. "Are you trying to use psychology on me?"

The big man smiled. "I'm just having a snack."

00000

"This is bullshit!" Rodney paced.

"What in particular?" Doctor Syed inquired. He held his usual position on the couch across from Rodney, his arm spread across the back.

Rodney jumped up and began pacing. "Flowers for Algernon," he muttered, then began rubbing his fingers across the palm of his hand in a regular rhythm.

Syed concentrated a moment. "That was a book."

"Still is a book. Poor science."

The psychiatrist watched as Rodney moved, unable to be still. "As I recall, it was about making someone smart, a genius, and then watching him revert. Is that how you feel?"

Rodney shook his head. "Of course not. I'm not de-evolving."

"I'm not sure I understand the reference then." The doctor sat forward now. "Care to explain it to me?"

"No, I would not." He stopped, rubbing his temples. The headache was not going away after two days of popping Tylenols and extreme amounts of coffee. Okay, so maybe the coffee wasn't a good idea, but since he wasn't sleeping much anyway, he figured he may as well get some work done. Of course, that was limited to what he could do on his laptop as he had been put on "temporary" work hiatus. Which was a polite way of saying that he was on crazy leave.

"It was just a stupid book about a doctor experimenting with a man's life."

Syed thought a moment. "Yes, I recall the movie."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Yes, the movie. It must have been a good book if they turned it into a movie."

"As I remember it, they tried to make a mentally challenged man smarter," Syed continued, ignoring Rodney's sarcasm. "It failed."

"But the worst part was that he knew he was getting worse," Rodney carried on, "knew that he had been something great and was going to become something stupid again."

"You said yourself, Doctor McKay, that you are not de-evolving."

"It's the experiment." _You idiot_. "The way that doctors and scientists play around with peoples' lives."

"Is that what you do?"


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: All things Stargate are the property of MGM (re: not me). I'm not making any money off this, just playing with the toys.

Thanks to kimberlyfdr for the beta. And a very big thank-you to BEB for your review of chapter three; I really needed that :)

Chapter Four

Katie sat back in the chair, clearly deflated. "But I don't understand."

Doctor Syed continued. "In asking you to marry him, Doctor McKay was confronted with all of the possible scenarios that could develop from that. The most obvious to him was something terrible happening to you. I believe that in marrying you, he is afraid that he will kill you."

"That's ridiculous."

"Not to Doctor McKay. Your engagement has brought forth a host of memories for him of the past and fears for the future. He has thought on all those who died for him, or so he believes, and argues that you would do the same if the situation presented itself. Being on Atlantis, that is a real possibility."

Katie frowned. "So in trying to protect me, Rodney went...crazy?" Her voice was small and frightened.

Doctor Syed huffed a little. "Doctor McKay isn't crazy." He leaned forward. "When people are in positions like Doctor McKay's, or even Colonels Sheppard and Carter, they are dealing with life and death situations on a continuous basis. Without a release valve, all of that imagery and experience builds up inside. For Doctor McKay, it is manifesting itself in severe withdrawal and denial."

Katie looked at her hands in her lap, noting the small tremors. "And it's my fault."

"No."

"But you said," she looked up, "that Rodney asking me to marry him was the catalyst."

"Doctor Brown, you have to understand. Anything could have set this off. It could have something as simple as looking at a photograph or hearing someone say a particular word. A catalyst is not a cause." He smiled in that way that everyone knew was forced. "This is not your fault."

00000

"_Is that what you do?"_

McKay looked at himself in the mirror, seeing the darkness under his eyes and pallor of his skin. When had he become such an old man?

Do you deserve it, McKay? Do you deserve to get old?

Like Gall.

He flinched at remembering the sound of the gunshot as the young man took his life. Remembered being able to barely look at the man after he had been fed upon by the Wraith, his vitality taken away. False words of comfort, he had given. But it didn't matter in the end.

Maybe Gall had done the right thing.

Blank eyes stared back at the mirror and it scared him. Rodney had never been a quitter. Always finished his work, any task given to him. Failure was not something he tolerated. Yet, he seemed to have failed so many. So many he couldn't save or solved the problem just that moment too late.

His fist smashed into his reflection and the burst of fiery pain gave him a perverse joy. He punched it again and once more, feeling the warm trickle of blood. Yes, bleed. Give up some of what they gave up for you.

It was intoxicating in a macabre way.

Rodney threw the glass that held his toothbrush and giggled at the shattering sound. He laughed at the crashing of his photos and degrees from the walls. His body shook from joy at smashing and obliterating anything he could grab. He became a whirlwind of destruction; nothing was sacred and, in short order, his room was a ramshackle mess.

He was now huffing, trying to catch his breath. His body hurt and it felt wonderful. He needed more.

As he opened his door, he came face to face with Katie.

"Hiཀ" she said a little too cheerily. She held up a paper bag. "I thought that maybe you would like some lunch." She stepped inside and stopped abruptly. "Rodney? What happened?" She faced him, finally noticing the perspiration and blood. "Oh my God." She reached for his hand, lunch dropped on the floor.

McKay flinched his hand back. "It's nothing."

"This isn't nothing." She reached again for his hand.

He pushed her back. "I told you, it's nothing."

"Let me call Doctor Keller."

"Don't you fucking dareཀ" He grasped her upper arm, hard. "I said it was nothing."

"Rodney, please," she whispered. "You're hurting me."

"Good." He thrust her to the bed. "Then maybe you'll know what it's like." He began stalking the room, kicking aside debris.

Katie slid back to the head of the bed, fear in her eyes.

"It doesn't get any easier, you know?" he continued, swiping the few remaining books from shelves. "What's the point in saving the city if I can't save the people in it?" He whirled towards Katie. "Tell me thatཀ" His face reddened. "They expect god damned miracles every day. And what happens when I can't do it? What happens when I can't fix it? People dieཀ" He stood at the head of the bed in front of a terrified Katie. He leaned. "She'll dieཀ And I don't think..." He swallowed, feeling very light-headed. "I can't let that..." His breathing became erratic and his hands began to shake. The tremors then moved up his arms. He shut his eyes and willed himself to stay focussed. He gripped the back of his head with clenched fingers.

For a moment, his eyes opened and Katie Brown saw a glint of clarity then it was gone as quickly as it had come. His eyes rolled back and he slumped to the floor, his body trembling.

Katie was petrified; she couldn't move. It was too overwhelming for her. She felt her eyes burn with tears. Doctor Syed had said to give Rodney time, to let him know that she was there for him when he was ready. That she wasn't the cause of his problem.

Syed was wrong and the evidence was plainly in front of her.

Katie took a halting breath before looking over.

Rodney no longer shook with tremors. Only when her tears finally fell did she react and call for a medical team.

00000

Doctors Cushan and Keller were quietly discussing Rodney at Keller's desk. John, Ronon, and Sam were across from McKay's bed, giving Katie some privacy as she sat next to him, stroking his hair and face.

"I came as soon as I was able," Teyla apologi_**z**_ed. She shifted her arm under Teyanne. She looked to the worried faces of her team and commander. "What is Doctor McKay's condition?"

Colonel Carter looked to the Athosian. "It was a panic attack. A pretty intense one. Coupled with a severe drop in Rodney's glucose level, it's left him unresponsive."

Teyla looked to the others for clarification. John met her eye with a grim look.

"He's in a coma," Ronon said simply.

Teyla took this in before continuing. "What can I do?"

"There's nothing you can do," Doctor Cushan answered, joining the group. "Everything that can be done is being done."

"But being here helps," Doctor Keller added hastily. "Patients have been known to respond to voices of friends and family." She tried to reassure them all with a tight smile, only no one seemed consoled by it.

00000

"You haven't gone to see McKay," Ronon said after smacking John's legs with his wooden practice sword.

"Been busy," Sheppard answered, rubbing the back of his legs.

The larger man glared. "For two days? Thought you two were friends." He motioned for John to attack. They had been sparring for hours, leaving the Colonel in a heavy sweat and the Satedan barely breathing hard.

Sheppard lunged with a right side swipe that was sloppy and slow. Ronon easily deflected the move, twisted and gave the man a hard smack across the back of his knees, forcing John to the floor. Ronon pointed the sword down, placed two hands on the hilt and leaned on it a little.

"Is this a punishment for something?" Sheppard complained, staggering to his feet. "Because if it is, I'm sorry. Real sorry." He squeezed his eyes and shook his head.

Ronon said nothing, just watched Sheppard. He narrowed his eyes before flipping his sword and returning it to its wall mount.

"Hey, we're not finished here." John lifted his sword once again, his arms fatigued and shaking a little.

Ronon faced John. "Yes, we are." He strode past the Colonel.

"Rononཀ" John called.

"Go see him," he called back.

Sheppard threw his sword and clattered against the wall. "Can't give more orders," he muttered.

00000

John had never wanted this. All he wanted to do was fly and now he is in charge of hundreds. He is slowly becoming "The Man." He makes decisions that even he would have trouble following sometimes.

But this, with Rodney, wasn't quite what he had in mind when he tossed the coin and stepped through the 'gate that first time at the SGC. He had signed up for adventure, to fly new ships and see the stars. Perhaps a little more idealistic than the truth, but that was something he didn't want to think on right now.

The glass felt cool against the Colonel's hand even though the city's temperature regulators kept it a balmy 72 degrees. What would McKay say? 'Oh please. Who uses Fahrenheit anymore? The civilised world switched decades ago to the more efficient Celsius.'

John flattened his palm against the glass and huffed as he rested his forehead on his splayed fingers. He hated being here, seeing Rodney like this. This wasn't a disease or Wraith attack. There was no foreign entity that could simply be tricked and driven away. It wasn't something Sheppard could shoot at or, to paraphrase the Canadian, take the military approach and blow it up.

Rodney was sick with something that only he could fix. And Sheppard didn't know if McKay wanted to anymore. Part of John couldn't really blame him. All the crap they had seen in the last three years was bound to make anyone go nuts. Forget everything else; coming face to ugly face with the Wraith was nightmarish all on its own. Only the Ancients could have been so arrogant as to mix Iratus and human DNA.

John hated those damn bugs.

Sometimes he can still feel that bug clinging and sucking at his neck. And if he looks the right way in the mirror, he can see the faint scar; it stands out more when he's been in the sun too long and the surrounding skin darkens. His arms itches, too, from where Ellia infected him. Not always, but every now and then. Carson had said that that scar would fade in time as well, but John knows that it will always be there. Always a reminder of what he very nearly became.

Rodney's not moving anymore. He hasn't since John arrived. John finds it weird seeing him this still, this quiet. It's so not-Rodney that it scares the crap out of him.

The Canadian's arrogance and over developed sense of self-preservation is John's constant in life. No matter what happened to any of them, Rodney always found a way to keep them going, keep them alive. Because that's what he wants more than anything. He's done so much for the team, hell, for the city that no words or tokens can ever thank him.

Lying there, drool sliding down his cheek, John feels like any shred of a foundation he had is gone. The constant is now a variable and that's math he just wasn't good at solving.

As a leader, it's hard for the Colonel to accept that he can't do anything to help his team member. It's up to Rodney now. Somehow.

He turned back to the window looking out onto the city and the sea beyond. John found himself liking the old planet better. It had a bluer sky.

Sheppard tapped the glass a couple of times before turning to the bed. How long had he been here, waiting for something, anything, from McKay?

Keller had said that familiar sounds and environments would help coma victims. He flinched; victim was just not something he associated with McKay.

Radek had taken this to heart and had done a verbal recount of the latest experiments and discoveries in the lab. He had been there when John first arrived, looking over with a startled expression.

"Oh, Colonel Sheppard." He pulled his glasses from his forehead onto his nose. "I was just giving Rodney the latest figures on power consumption this past month."

John grinned and nodded. "Don't let me interrupt."

Radek's eyes flicked between McKay and Sheppard until he finally gathered his notes. "I will leave so that you can visit."

Both grateful and nervous, Sheppard let the scientist leave. He was now facing one of his greatest fears and didn't know how to overcome it.

"Come on, Rodney," John whispered, letting his hand rest on McKay's forearm. "You're tougher than this."

00000

She didn't care if anyone or everyone saw her. He'd done this for her, not so long ago, and maybe it was misplaced guilt that brought Katie to Rodney's bed. With a hesitant look, she glanced across the room at Teyla quietly humming as she held her child. Teyla smiled softly at Katie.

Returning her gaze back to Rodney, Katie grasped his hand and shuddered at how limp it felt. She caressed it against her cheek, allowing her tears to fall.

It didn't matter what the doctor had said. This was her fault. She never should have allowed herself to fall for this man. Should have kept her distance. Workplace romance was always a bad idea. And their workplace was about as dangerous as it got.

But a part of her screamed out to jump at this chance, maybe the last of her lifetime. So much of it had been spent in labs and greenhouses, focussing so intently on her work and studies that she suddenly found herself 35 and single with no prospects. Then Atlantis calls her and she can't possibly turn it down; the chance at new flora from another galaxy is as tempting to her as Ancient technology is to Rodney.

"Oh, Rodney," she breathed softly and took a firm hold of his now moist hand and crushed it against her cheek.

She remembered the first time she saw this whirlwind of a genius. He was gesturing wildly in the cafeteria amidst gobbling down food. She thought him cute, but beyond her. His reputation preceded him and it shocked her a little. People said he could perform miracles, get the expedition out of the most difficult of circumstances, and that he had an ego to rival the power of the Ancients.

Katie let out a little chuckle.

When Rodney rose to leave with his other team mates, she saw when he saw her. His feet tangled and he nearly lost his empty food tray. He tried to smile, but it looked awkward and self-conscious so he ducked his head and hurried after the others. She thought it sweet and so contrary to his reputation.

The Cadman fiasco may have been hell for him, but the Lieutenant had inspired Rodney somehow and they went on a proper date, sans Carson and Cadman. It had been just as awkward and sweet. He'd let her see a side of him that she knew he kept under wraps and had an inkling of why that emotional barrier was necessary for him. He liked his reputation and showing any sign of human emotion chipped away at his image. He needed people to fear him. He needed them to understand that he was right. Always. It got things done and saved the day.

Katie clutched Rodney's hand between her own and pressed her forehead against them. Silently, she said a prayer.

00000

Ironically, it was a ghost that finally gave Rodney the kick in the ass he needed.

00000

There were times during Rodney's barely functional state when he dreamed. And this dream scared the crap out of him.

It was the image of Carson, looking both cross and concerned, coming towards him. "Now what's this all about, hmm?"

"What?"

Carson frowned. "You know bloody well what." He waved his hand around the bleakness of the seemingly empty space the dream was in. "This isn't like you, Rodney, now what gives?" He pulled a stethoscope from his neck and listened to Rodney's heartbeat.

Rodney looked away, avoiding the gaze of the Scotsman. "Nothing. I am perfectly fine." He sat on the edge of the medical bed, his legs swinging.

"Right," the brogue voice said, "because it's perfectly normal for a person to look like a drooling vegetable." He removed the stethoscope and looped it around his neck.

"I am not drooling."

"Oh really?" Carson pointed a finger across the way to highlight a double of Rodney, head lolled and spittle slowly falling down his jaw.

Rodney turned, fidgeted, and chewed on his thumbnail.

"Now come on. What's got you in such a sorry state?" He pulled up a chair that somehow appeared and rested a hand on McKay's knee.

Suddenly, Rodney couldn't control himself anymore and burst into tears. That alone terrified him as much as anything. He felt his emotional walls tumbling, burying him. "I don't know," he managed to sputter. "It just...hit me." He covered his face with his hands. "Everyone."

"Everyone who?"

Red eyes gazed up. "All of them. All the ones who... Jesus Christཀ They're all there running through my head. Last words, last images, last actions. Fuckཀ" He replaced his hands to his cheeks and began to rock. "I can't make them go away. They don't ever go away."

"Rodney..." Carson reached out to pull McKay's arm away.

"Don't fucking touch meཀ" He leapt up. "Not youཀ I don't..." He sprinted into the darkness only to be stymied by an invisible wall. Carson sighed deeply, but did not move.

"Why can't I get out?" Rodney's voice echoed in the darkness. He pounded at the wall. "Get me out. Someone, pleaseཀ" He chanced a glance at his alter ego and paled as he saw Katie holding his hand at her cheek, crying.

Beckett stood.

"Noཀ Not youཀ You can't. You're deadཀ" Rodney's voice shook, as though only now recognising that his new doctor was also deceased.

"Aye. But you're not." He faced his friend. "You should be a wee bit more grateful."

"Grateful?" McKay stepped back into the dim light. "Grateful that I get to be haunted by them...by you... for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, ya daft idiot." Beckett smiled softly. "That you have a life to live."

"What happens when I won't be able to fix it?"

The Scotsman glowered. "Fix what?"

"What if I get her killed, too?" He stepped back to the wall and leaned his head against it. "Because I can't come up with a miracle." His eyes widened in horror. "Oh, Godཀ Teyla's baby. She doesn't deserve this. Me fucking things up. She's only just started living." He shifted to his side and clawed at the smooth wall. "I can't let her die, too." His body slid down into a crumpled heap.

"I imagine that Teyla may have a thing or two to say 'bout that."

Bloodshot eyes looked to Carson. "You're dead." He stopped to consider the implications. "I am officially crazy now."

Carson huffed. "We've been through this. And it doesn't make you crazy. This is a dream."

The Canadian pondered the statement. "Dream?"

"Aye."

"Well what the hell use is that?"

"Excuse me?"

"Dreams don't mean shit...unless you've got a whale chasing you."

Beckett looked confused, but continued on. "You are the smartest man in two galaxies. You can figure this out."

"What if I can't?"

"You always do."

The silence was prolonged as McKay took in his dead friend's words. "I'm not worth it," he finally said, quietly and without regret.

Carson grasped Rodney's shuddering and hunched shoulders. "Of course you are."

Rodney shook his head. "No. Nonononono. Don't you see? They gave it all up. All of them. Peter and Gall and... and...Jesus, I can't even remember their namesཀ How terrible is that?" He began pounding on the sides of his head. "Their lives. Everythingཀ For meཀ I never asked them, never wanted them to."

Carson pulled his friend upright, keeping him from hurting himself. "That's nae really the point."

"Of course it isཀ No one should have to die. It isn't fair."

Carson drew his friend in, wrapping his arms around Rodney's shoulders. "Aye, it's not fair." Rodney fought meekly until he succumbed to his friend's persistence. Beckett felt the tears renew themselves and the slow clenching of Rodney's fingers into his shirt, gripping so tightly that it nearly ripped.

"But you can make it worse by making their sacrifices meaningless." He slowly rubbed McKay's back. "Believe that you're worth it, Rodney. Everyone else does."

"But their faces..."

Carson smiled. "Are alive in you. Dinnae forget them."

"So many." Rodney looked up. "I couldn't save you."

The Scotsman smiled lightly. "I don't regret it, Rodney. Nor should you."

The pair were quiet a long moment, until Rodney jerked. "Katie? Can I really-"

Carson bit the inside of his cheek and pushed McKay's shoulders away. "Now you listen to me. She's a good lass and a smart one. She knew what she was getting into coming here. We all did. You've two have found something special. Isn't that worth living for?"

Rodney swallowed hard. "I'm afraid, Carson."

"I know, but you're not alone. Dinnae ever forget that, too."

00000

The subtle shift under the blanket would have been missed by most people. But Ronon Dex was hardly most people. He made his way to the bed from his sentinel post, calling on Doctor Keller to come.

Katie rose from her chair, rubbing her eyes of sleep. "What's going on?" She stepped to the side when the Doctor arrived. Keller briefly examined the monitors tracking McKay's vitals. "Did he wake up?"

"Check him," was all the Satedan would say.

More out of fear than anything, Keller removed her stethoscope and listened to Rodney's heartbeat, frowning. She shifted his head and snapped her light into his eyes, stunned to see him blink against her.

"Doctor McKay? Can you hear me?"

Katie was at Keller's side. "Rodney?" She had a death grip on his forearm.

Tears spilled from his eyes as Rodney turned his head. "You're alive," he managed to whisper in a hoarse voice.

The woman smiled widely, shedding her own tears. "Yes, I am."

"Oh, God." Tears continued. "Katie, I am so sorry."

"Shh." She brushed away the tears. "I know."

Rodney lifted a shaky arm and lightly touched her cheek. She laughed nervously before kissing him deeply, her hands tight around his shoulders. She was silently grateful when he finally, hesitantly, enveloped her.


End file.
